That is very hard to write and even harder to say. Society tells women that they are supposed to love being a mother, that yes it’s the hardest job in the world but also the most rewarding. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children so much and in a way, I think that makes it harder because if I didn’t love them, I would just walk out and not feel guilty about the fact that I couldn’t be the mother I thought I was going to be. I just really hate being a mum. My depression reared its ugly head after the birth of my son (now 5) and has slowly got worse. The past 10 months have been the most severe, since I became a stay-at-home mum to my 3 children and I do not think that is a coincidence. My 4-year-old and 5-year-old are both at school now and my youngest (22 months) is at home with me every day. I would love to work again but it’s just impractical and doesn’t make sense financially. As a result of being a stay-at-home mum, I have lost who I am, my inability to cope has become very noticeable to everybody around me, I have gained weight due to bingeing on sugary food and I have lost all motivation I once had.
The problem is, people don’t talk about how much they struggle with being a parent, whether they are working parents or stay-at-home parents, single or married, old or young, father or mother, 1 child or a whole football team. And I just want to get it out there, hopefully to find other people like me so I know I’m not alone and also for my own sanity. I don’t think there’s enough help for parents who have either have a mental illness or who just struggle to cope as a parent. There’s more help nowadays for people with mental illnesses but not for those who are responsible for children. I’ll do a blog about this soon.
Changing the subject slightly, my mum was an amazing mum when me and my brother were children, she played with us, made time for us and was very caring and patient, it was as we got older that she struggled. I didn’t really like children and found them annoying but I thought this would change when I had my own. It didn’t! I find them so annoying, please let me reiterate that I love my children with all my heart but it doesn’t mean I have to like them does it? My son does not stop talking, not even for 10 seconds, he says everything that comes into his head and he has so much energy, he’s like a Duracell bunny! And to be honest, it does my head in because I’m not like that.
Sometimes I wish I just had one child, other times I daydream about what my life would be like if I didn’t have children. Maybe I should have waited until my 30’s like a lot of women nowadays. I had my son at 23 and am now 28 and married with 3 children. I feel like I did it all too young; I met my husband when I was 22 and after 6 weeks, I fell pregnant with our son! 6 weeks! He is 13 years older than me and always knew he wanted to be a dad – and it just felt right because we knew we were right for each other. The thing is, i didn’t even know who I was at 22, I didn’t know what I wanted, I didn’t know how to manage money and this was the first relationship I’d ever been in. And we never had the chance to do what normal couples do – we didn’t have the honeymoon period, go on luxury holidays, save up for our first home or get married. And I regret that but how can I when it felt right at the time? My husband was ready, all he has ever wanted is to be a husband and a father and I cannot tell you how much of a good daddy he is to our children. But the thing is, that in itself makes me feel worse because he can’t fathom why I struggle to cope with the kids or why I shout and scream all the time. And if I’m honest, he makes me feel useless – he doesn’t mean to but by not understanding and by judging, he does.
I struggle to admit that I hate being a mum because people assume that I don’t love my children or that I would walk out on them which is not the case at all – I couldn’t do that to them. I just hate everything that comes with being a mum. I don’t want to talk to children, I want to talk to adults who have real conversation. I don’t want to read them bedtime stories or play with toys. I don’t want to chase them around pretending to be a monster. I don’t want to constantly say the same things over and over again ‘brush your teeth, I said brush your teeth, how many times do I have to tell you? Brush your goddamn teeth!” I don’t want to listen to them whine or cry or argue with me. I don’t want to get them ready, I want to get myself ready. Maybe I’m just too selfish. But then again, I love making them happy – taking them to theme parks/water parks, cuddling them, watching their little faces on Christmas morning. I just hate being a mum 24/7, I could happily have a nanny or just see them at weekends. But I miss them terribly when I’m not with them and they’re all I talk about because they are my life. But when I’m around them, I scream and shout, I want to leave and never come back, and sometimes I want to kill myself.
I just don’t know if I was cut out for being a mum. I’m just praying that it will be easier as they got older when they won’t be so dependent on me. That’s the only thing that will get me through the next 5 years!